“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m listening
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
we all know this pain all too well
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry