Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Chicago sounds lovely.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.