My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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Sharon I have some bad news
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My new favorite headline
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.