Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
lost dog
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.