My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
What kind of a cult is this?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.