911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.