dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Lucky old June.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.