Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me too door. Me too.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.