My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.