It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.