Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
(2022)
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do