Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
You Might Also Like
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you