I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.