Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
#Thanos #MondayMood