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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.