me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby