Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
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A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
my nickname in college
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.