I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
yes… yes…
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.