Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I feel seen.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*