I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol