*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
How can I say no to this ?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.