respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Great game to play with friends
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…