[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
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Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Just this preview of the story is enough
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked