Heroic Misunderstanding
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Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Natural selection at its finest
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.