In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
new shirt idea
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.