My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking