If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]