me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”