Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Love it! 👍😂
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”