How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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is it earth
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
oh good, now I can stop drinking