[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You Might Also Like
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Lol.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.