[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
men, we mow at sunrise.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Sign of the day..
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.