ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.