I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Venn
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.