If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Flock of bats