[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.