If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
the rocks need my help
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
He’s dead
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?