*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy