I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
That’s not how days work.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.