Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.