What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.