[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
You Might Also Like
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh