My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Every. Damn. Time.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t