Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean