I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
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I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”