“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
You Might Also Like
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Same pineapple, same
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong