“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You Might Also Like
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat