Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
đźš«No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees