Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
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Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The best plant holders?
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.