My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
You Might Also Like
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’M CRYINGGG
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My love language is deader than Latin
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me